When I first met my husband he prefaced our relationship by saying, "Just so you know, I have a really big problem," If he only knew the horror that commenced to run through my brain. Mind you, we had already been on a date that would rival even that of the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp and I had figured out that I had met this completely awesome, wonderful, smart guy. Now he's telling me he's got a really big problem, I knew this had all just been too lucky. So I took a deep breath and said, "What's that." He replied, "I am completely in love with my fat cat, it's kind of embarrassing how much of love her." After I had stopped laughing my immediate reaction was oh man I'm going to have to love this completely ugly fat cat cause if you love the man you have to love his cat even if it's fat.
Our cat of gorgeousness Her Grace Mcsophervonnoodleface aka Bat Cat (I'll explain later) I noticed had started to become kinder in her ripe old age of 8. Her cutting you to rubbing up against you ratio had slowly started to diminish and she was more likely to take it out on the newest member of the family Brisco than to come after us. My hand now knows how wrong I was. Note to self: don't pet Brisco while the Face is sitting within striking distance it will not end well for you.
As all of us cat owners know we do not in-fact own our cats as we thought, they own us. Our sole purpose in their life is to get them what they want, when and exactly how they want it or you'll be cut. Yes, we unconsciously most definitely signed on for a life long contract of cat staff servitude. We should have a weekly support group meeting. O.B.M.C.A: Owned By My Cat's Anonymous. Hello, My Name is Megan and I'm owned by my cat. I've been dealing with this for 4 years now, a prisoner in my own home. I should add that if my cat knew I was here she would definitely cut me. Please stop the abuse of cat owners for only 1 hour a week you can save this cat owner from harm.
In my initial introduction to Sophie it was sans knowledge of her many quirks. If Len had mentioned them I'd probably have been completely horrified and wouldn't be writing this blog right now. The annotated list of quirkiness; her acute water obsession, wildlife life taker, canned food issues, and last but not least toilet paper roll aficionado.
If you remotely have the idea that you want to take a shower or casually walk close to the bathroom, have thought of the bathroom in the past few seconds as perhaps a fleeting fancy not even connected with wanting to or being in the bathroom Sophie is already there crowding the sink, sitting in the sink, laying next to the sink and quite frankly being all about that sink. Fill it up for her and for the next four seconds she will completely forget that you are human, dog, or anything other than a cat. You're one of the gang, but WARNING do not stay too long Sophie is not responsible for her actions.
The wildlife obsession must run in the family only unlike Daphne, Sophie is, you guessed it, not as kind nor does she sing. Things die when she gets involved. Birds, bats, and crabs beware. So far the score is Sophie 3, Wildlife 0. Lets start with the bat shall we. Prior to me my husband lived in an attic apartment, one night Sophie was jumping all over Len while he slept and running all over his room he thought well she's probably just running around in the dark. Then he heard ninininini and he turned on the light to find blood all over his walls and there was Sophie just sitting on the floor in the middle of the room with a dead bat at her feet. The next victim, a bird, who mistakenly flew into our apartment was murdered in our bedroom as we slept the feather clean up was horrendous not to mention the dead bird at the foot of our bed. The next bird flew into our sun room was attacked by Sophie, saved by my husband, and came back to die on our steps in a fit of utter revenge or surrender. The crab incident started when we put her litter box out in the garage well next thing we know we have Sophie with what we thought was a giant spider which then turned out to be a small crab attached to the face's face while she tries to kill it in our living room. My brother in laws response was you went to college for 10 years and your telling me you got crabs from your cat.
If you come to my house and open a beer or touch my can opener I apologize in advance for the Face molesting your leg in an effort to eat anything you are handling. But unless its tuna juice she's not touching it. She could be across the house and the mere sound of it will make her run her fat pouch into the kitchen at an alarming rate which will 1 shake the whole house and 2 sound like a Clydesdale pulling a freight train. I'm completely convinced that one of these days I'm going to come home to the Face holding the dogs hostage in return for tuna juice.
So, does your cat ever moo? I've heard of cat's barking, but mooing? My house is right now littered with toilet paper rolls Sophie grabs them in her mouth and meows as loud as she possibly can while running with it in her mouth. Now because the toilet paper roll obstructs the sound coming out my cat is actually running through my house mooing as loud as catly possible. It is both disturbing and hilarious at the same time.
We're convinced that when we leave the house she ties the dogs up, throws them in the closet and proceeds to have a killer party. One time I came home from the store with multicat cat litter and my husband asks why I got it. I said it's for the Face's wild parties. You know when she stops up the garbage disposal fills up the sink and make a jacuzzi out of it. Or for those times when she sits and watches animal planet and eats dog food off her stomach pouch. In retrospect I have to say he's completely right to have a love affair with the face, though cranky, she is probably the best cat I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
For as much as my husband loves her, annoys her, and dotes on her she completely despises him. We have actually had many a dinner conversation with our friends on this very subject. Why does Sophie hate Len so much? The only thing we could come up with was he cleans her litter box. I know very weak argument.
I am sure there will be other posts of the Adventures of Bat Cat the terror that flaps in the night coming soon. But for now just know that she is out there protecting your liberty from wildlife, toilet paper rolls, and other horrors that plague our households on a daily bases.
On the Menu Tonight: Still plugging away at the Ham, pray for us it may take over.
MEL
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